Happy Birthday, my son James

I wonder…
Was your first hug from Jesus?
Was the first light that you saw from His face?
I wonder…
Did your little hands clasp His firmly?
In His arms, did your little body find a place?

I wonder…
Did you feel God’s sadness
As He saw how your parents wept for you?
I wonder…
Did He whisper of your purpose
And you knew of His love so good and true?

I wonder…
Who will see your first smile?
Or who will teach you how to walk?
I wonder…
Will an angel sing to you
And be the first to hear you talk?

I thank God…
For the precious treasure that you are.
May God hold you closely and let you know
That we love you from afar.

It was 4 years ago this weekend that I passed through the dark valley of losing a baby. I remember feeling like I would never be "normal" again, that I would always be sad.

Our baby was due May 20th, 2005. I was using a lay midwife for the first time and I was very excited about the possibility of our first homebirth. Over Christmas weekend I began to feel like something was not right. I no longer felt like I was gaining weight and the little tugging feeling of life inside me was gone. We didn't get to the midwife's until after New Year's because of sickness. On Friday, January 7th, we saw the midwife and she could not find a heart beat. After a ultrasound at the hospital on Monday, it was confirmed that the soul of our little one was with the Lord though his body was still with us. Because I had not begun to miscarry on my own and the risk of infection was great, my midwife recommended that we follow the hospital's advice of either a D&C or induced delivery.

I chose to deliver the body as naturally as possible. We went back to the hospital the next day, January 11th. It was a long day. They began the induction process with a special medication. We passed the time by watching movies, until I became too uncomfortable. We delivered James' little body around 3:00 that afternoon. I left the hospital with empty arms.

Our family, church family, and friends were so wonderful. They brought meals, watched our 4 boys and just listened when needed. We buried his little body in nearby Rochester Cemetery, a special place as it is the last natural prairie cemetery in IA.

Four years later, the pain is still there but the edge is gone. I like to pull out the ultrasound picture, the cards, and my journal from that weekend and remember each year. The tears do still come but the sadness is not as strong. I am so thankful that my little boy is with Jesus and "I shall go to him, (though) he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23

For anyone out there who has experienced miscarriage, still birth, or death of an infant. My heart goes out to you. I can understand a little of your pain. Please let others help you and don't be afraid to talk about it. Sometimes others will not know that you need to talk, even years later. Finally, cling to the One who is in control of everything. We won't understand why our little ones were taken from us on this side of heaven but someday we will.